


Crocs and Robbers

by SkyWrites



Series: The Above Average Detective Luigi Mysteries! [1]
Category: Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door, Super Mario & Related Fandoms, Super Mario Bros. (Video Games), Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars
Genre: Alternate Universe - Noir, Buddy Cops, Comedy, Crime, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-29
Updated: 2018-11-29
Packaged: 2019-08-21 19:33:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16582706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkyWrites/pseuds/SkyWrites
Summary: Toadette and Goombella, two of New Donk Police Department's (or NDPD) finest.It's a night in New Donk City like any other when they get the call that a certain crocodile crook is causing crimes. Can they apprehend such a slimy sleazebag? (Spoilers: Probably.)





	Crocs and Robbers

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. Think of this as a teaser for a much longer Detective Luigi fic I'm working on that will be based in the same universe as this one, and takes place before it.  
> Thousand Year Door and Mario RPG will be represented most here, but there's going to be some slight references to Mario and Luigi: Super Star Saga as well, as that game will play a major part in the longfic that I'll be posting later. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy!
> 
> Edit: [Here is that Detective Luigi fic! ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17734574/chapters/41841311)

New Donk City moved with its usual hustle and bustle. Neon lights twinkled like the stars in the night sky, or at least Toadette assumed that’s what the stars looked like. Not that she ever saw them here. Toads of every shape and size mingled happily along the sidewalks, with even a few Koopas and Goombas mixed in! Maybe things here in Mushroom District were actually turning around.

“Hey, hey, Toadette!” Goombella yelled, mouthful of shroom crepe, crumbs spilling out with each word. “After our shift, we should _totally_ go shopping! You need some better off-duty clothes, girl! Also, you gotta try this, it’s great!”

“I’m driving!” Toadette complained weakly, but truth be told, she just didn’t want to eat it. It probably wouldn’t look good for a couple of cops to be eating sweets while patrolling. “Plus, I think I dress just fine! It’s comfy! My vest and dress match with my hair, you know?”

“Yeah, but _every_ Toad dresses like that! It’s so basic, y’know?” Goombella completely ignored Toadette’s complaint, holding up the crepe in front of her with her mouth. It wasn’t like she could use her hands.

Toadette tried to mask her expression but felt at least a little heat in her cheeks. To Goombas, mouths were just like their hands. It wasn’t anything _weird_ to them, but it still took some getting used to. Toadette took a tentative bite of it, making sure not to get too close to Goombella’s lips. Sweet creamy vanilla meshed together with light rubbery mushroom, all tied together with a fluffy wrap. It shouldn’t work, but…

“Tastes all right,” Toadette admitted, not exactly a huge fan of mushroom style foods, being a Toad and all. “Is this from Zess T. again? Isn’t she, like, basically holding you ransom for money?”

Neon yellow from a Fire Flower sign hit Goombella’s shocked face, her blonde hair highlighted with red light. “Huh? W-well, I mean, I did step on her contacts… You _gotta_ respect her culinary talents though.”

Toadette frowned. “I don’t like the way she treats you. You’re a cop, you know? People should treat you with respect. Just because you’re not a Toad-”

“She does!” Goombella argued desperately. “Just, um, in her own way. Or else, I don’t think she would have given me this treat.”

Before Toadette could counter with ‘Well you gave her those ingredients to make it!’ a raspy Toad voice screeched out from the radio.

“All units, all units! There is a robbery in progress at Dixie Orphanage over at the intersection on Dixie and Cranky Street! Suspect goes under the name of Croco and is reportedly armed and dangerous!”

“What the heck?”

“What the hell!?” Goombella practically spat out her crepe. “Orphanage? Who the hell robs an orphanage?! I knew Croco was low, but this?!”

Toadette wracked her brain. She should know this one, she really should! But… just in case. “Uh, who is Croco again?”

Goombella shook her head. This kind of thing always came so easily to her. Goombella knew _everyone_ and everyone knew her. Toadette didn’t understand how this could be.

“He’s that purple skinned crocodile! He’s partners with Popple! You know, the self-proclaimed shadow thief? They’re a bunch of jerks who’ll do anything for a quick coin! Apparently, even stealing from an orphanage. Croco’s known for his bombs, so it’s best we keep a safe distance. Also!” Goombella seemed to get really offended at this part. “That freak wears crocodile skin crocs! Can you believe it? Totally messed up, and totally tacky!”

Like always, that was a little more information than Toadette needed, but she appreciated it anyway. Before she could hit the sirens, her phone vibrated in her pocket. She quickly glanced at the message.

_Yahoo! Hiya, Toadette! Just lettin’ you know I’m gonna be out late tonight! Gonna go explore some old building by Smithy’s territory! Heard a rich old Boo used to haunt the place, so there’s probably treasure! Don’t call the cops on me if I’m not in time for breakfast at Shimi’s lol. -C. T._

“Eh? Who is it?” Goombella asked anxiously, gobbling the crepe down quickly. She _really_ wanted to hit the siren button.

“Just my brother,” Toadette sighed. “Going out to explore some haunted house by Smithy’s. I’ll call him back later.”

Goombella frowned, the effect less powerful when she had whipped cream around her lips. “Hey, you sure he’ll be okay? That’s not a safe part of the city, y’know?”

Toadette quickly put away her phone. “The Captain’s always fine, you know him. He’s done stupider things. Anyway, we really should get going! I want to show Chief Toadstool we don’t need Mario’s help for everything!”

“Ohmigosh, I know!” Goombella said excitedly, bonking the siren button with glee. Red and blue lights swirled above, and already cars were moving out of their way. “Peach never thinks I can do anything! She always credits you!” She rummaged under her seat.  “Hold on, grabbing the mushroom.”

Grinning, Toadette slammed her foot down on the pedal, deftly weaving through the streets. “I know, I know, the Chief still has a little trouble with Goombas,” Toadette said, drifting left through an intersection, the blaring sirens filling her with adrenaline. “But she’s warming up to you! Honest!”

Goombella hopped back up onto her seat, red speckled mushroom held daintily in her mouth. “Psh, don’t I know it. Even took you a while to trust me.” It was hard to tell what with the world spinning around in flashes of light and sound, but Toadette felt a hint of sadness there. “I’m glad I can help with the Goomba rep though, y’know?” She grinned. “Anyway, you ready to boost, girl?!”

“Yes, ma’am!”

With an excited huff, Goombella stuffed the rubbery thing inside a little tube on their dashboard. Instantly, the engines exploded with power, and the exhaust rumbled as their little cop car shot out of the streets and dangerously into the night air.

“ _Woo ho ho hooo!! Yeah!!_ ” They screamed in unison, barreling towards whatever criminal thought he could cause trouble in _their_ city.

 

* * *

 

 

Tires screeched, and car doors slammed. The orphanage was illuminated in the color of justice, red and blue. As per usual, Ted N. Toad was the first to arrive, but also the last to actually _do_ anything. Luckily for Toadette, he had at least set up some police tape and was hooting and hollering at any passersby to stay away.

“What’s the situation, Ted?” Toadette asked the worried looking Toad, hands at her hips.

“H-he’s got the kids and Monster Mama hostage!” Ted said, stumbling over his words. “I-I would have gone in there and handled this myself, but I left my bazooka at home…”

“Sure,” Goombella said sarcastically, rolling her eyes. A very powerful move, considering most of her body was eyes. “You say that every time, Ted.”

Other Toads didn’t take well to Goombella’s sass. “H-hey! I would have! Really! Where’s _your_ bazooka then, huh?”

Goombella didn’t back down to them. Not anymore. Toadette was here. “Don’t need one. Isn’t that right, Toadette?”

Toadette nodded smugly, her hand motioning around the glowing Fire Flower in its holster at her side. Goombella may not have been issued her NDPD (New Donk Police Department) Fire Flower like everyone else, but Toadette would be damned if they’d give her crap about it. A bonk from Goombella hit way harder than a Fire Flower ever would anyway.

“W-well, whatever!” Ted whined, pouty face at full force. “Things are a mess right now. His demands are insane! I have no idea what we should do!”

“What’s he want?” Toadette asked, already afraid to hear the answer.

“A million coins!” Ted cried, throwing his hands up in the air dramatically. _Are us Toads always like this?_ Toadette thought to herself.

“A million?!” Goombella repeated angrily. “The Dixie Orphanage barely makes ends meet as it is! Monster Mama relies on donations to keep it open! What the hell is Croco thinking?!”

Hearing the commotion outside, a slimy voice oozed out into the streets from the orphanage. “Nyah, see, it’s a great plan you maroons!” Through one of the windows, the purple croc stuck a megaphone cautiously, his cliché voice echoing out for everyone to hear.

“Ain’t nobody wants to see a buncha kids explode, see? You pigs’ll pay up! And, AND! If ya don’t, I bet that big palooka, Bowser, will, see? Buncha little Goomba kids and Koopa kids in here! That jerk’s LOADED!”

“You slimy freak!” Goombella yelled back, hopping up onto one of the police cars. “Bowser talks big, but he’d sooner smash you and the orphanage just to shut you up! If you keep talking like that, there’s gonna be an army of Koopatrol’s out here, busting down the door!”

“S-should she be talking to him like that…?” Ted whispered.

“It’s fine,” Toadette replied. “She knows what she’s doing when it comes to speaking.”

“But, uh… antagonizing the guy holding a bomb to an old lady and kids?...”

“Shhh, Ted.”

Croco’s voice broke over the megaphone and an old lady’s raspy voice made it out during his shocked state. “…see I told you…” followed by an overly loud “Quiet, ya wise guy!”

“Toadette, hand me a megaphone will ya?” Goombella said in a hushed tone. Toadette retrieved it quickly from their car, propping it up in front of Goombella. “Thanks.” She cleared her throat.

“Hey, Croco! So where’s your pal, Popple, eh? Not like you to go out on your own!”

The gator’s eyes swiveled back to the window, his pupils sharp as his teeth. “Why should I tell ya nothin, ya dumb broad!?” He hissed into the megaphone, making sure to puff his cigar out the window for everyone to see. “Popple was busy, see? Said he had more important things to do than rob an orphanage! Can you believe the nerve of that guy?”

Goombella grinned a toothy grin to Toadette, one that only they could see. “Oh, really? Why’s that?”

Croco was clearly getting worked up talking about his partner, leaning outside the orphanage’s window. “Said he had some bigwig to talk to! What’s a bigwig want with a thief likes us, eh? He just doesn’t wanna hang out anymore, I bet!”

Goombella nodded along, but her eyes locked onto Toadette’s. She was giving her a signal. Her eyes glanced at the front door of the orphanage. The place only had two floors, and certainly wasn’t well fortified. Next to all the other tall buildings, the orphanage looked like an on old sack of potatoes left to soak in the rain.

Toadette cautiously stepped forward, making sure to stay out of Croco’s eyesight. He was busy complaining. She gripped the stem of her Fire Flower tight, feeling the heat of its petals burning the air around her. One wrong move, and everything could come burning down. Literally and figuratively.

“Yeah, Popple always has been a totally bossy jerk, hasn’t he?” Goombella said. The way she talked about the guy, it was so strange, it was like she really knew everything about him. “Gets angry at the drop of a hat, too, right? Bet you hate having him as a partner sometimes.”

“Ugh, yeah!” Croco groaned, opening up the window just a little more, cigar now held casually between his scaly fingers. “Literally, too! I drop my hat off while we was muggin’ some chump last week, see? Guy blows a gasket! Starts callin’ me a big dumb palooka, sayin’ I don’t respect the job!”

Toadette used this time to reach for the door. Flimsy. Felt like she could rip it off its hinges pretty easily. But also locked. Croco wasn’t _that_ stupid. She turned to Goombella who was chattering away with Croco like a gossipy school girl and motioned a fist silently at the door. Goombella nodded.

“OhmiGOSH!” Goombella shrieked into the megaphone. “TELL me about IT! My _BOSS_ is TOTALLY the **SAME** **WAY** sometimes, **Y’KNOW**?”

Croco rubbed a slimy finger into his ears, cringing at the horrible static noise coming from Goombella’s megaphone. “Yeah, I know, but do ya gotta scream about it, ya dumb broad? Geez. Thought I heard somethin’ too…” He turned back away from the window for a moment. “Hey, old hag, you trip or somethin’? Keep quiet!”

Toadette let out a sigh of relief, brushing off the splinters from her uniform. The door had fallen apart like a wet pile of twigs at her tackle, and thanks to Goombella, it seemed Croco was none the wiser.

“Man, and just who is Popple to tell you off like that?” Goombella went on, her voice carrying that strange attentiveness. Toadette hoped she never faked it like that with her. “In front of a dude you’re robbing, too? Like, hello!? Embarrassing much?!”

“Oh yeah! And get this…” Croco continued, completely lost in her storm of gossip. At least Toadette knew she should be fairly safe. For now. She’d have to act fast. Gossip only stayed interesting for so long.

Three pairs of eyes gazed out of a doorway at Toadette’s sneaking form. Each eyeing a different part of her. One on her badge, one on her pigtails, and one on her Fire Flower. Goomba triplets. They were tiny, even for Goombas. Their age couldn’t even be in double digits yet.

“Heya, lady!” One called out. “Hey, are you here to get that stupid gator guy?” Another said. “He’s a jerk, I hate him! He kept saying to call ‘Uncle Bowser!’” The third whined. “We don’t know him! Our daddy did, but he’s gone! Monster Mama said he’s working for Uncle Bowser.”

If Toadette hadn’t spent so much time with Goombella, she wasn’t sure she’d be able to interact with these little Goomba kids so easily. Being chatty was clearly a Goomba thing, wasn’t it?

“Shhh,” Toadette hushed them softly, nodding along to them. “I am here to get him, but you guys need to be quiet for me, okay? Why don’t you three run along and…” She struggled to think of something. “Play pretend shop or something?”

“But lady!” The third little Goomba whined. “We got nothin’ to sell!” The first one explained. The second one was happy just looking upset and giving Toadette big puppy-dog eyes.

Gah, she didn’t have time for this. Toadette was no good with kids! She had to think fast. She swung her head around, looking for anything in his dingy little building, her pigtails slapping her in the face at the motion. Ow! Stupid things!

…. Oh! Wait!

“Here, sell some mushrooms!” Toadette whispered, undoing the pink mushrooms at the end of her pigtails. Her braids fell apart, pink hair falling at her back, but she saw the way the kids’ eyes lit up and knew she had made the right decision.

“Gee, thanks, lady!” The Goomba triplets said in unison, catching the pink mushrooms in their fangs with ease. Smiles on their faces, they scampered into another room, calling out some other kids to come look at the new stock they got in their store. At least maybe the others wouldn’t be too scared.

Finally, she could make her way up the stairs unhindered. Each stair creaked awfully, but Goombella appeared to have Croco in her chatty clutches.

“So, I says to him, I says…”

“No way! He _said_ that?”

“He did! Like, I get that he takes thieving seriously, but I gots feelings too!”

His voice became clearer and clearer, and Toadette knew she had found the right room. She’d need to end this quickly. Breathing deep, she clutched the doorknob, and swung it open, shouting in her most police-y voice, “ **Freeze**! Claws where I can see ‘em, Croco!”

“Nyeh?!” Croco grunted, cigar falling out of his fangs and onto his crocs. “Yow! W-what’s the big idea!?” He stuttered, staring into the emotionless eyes of a burning Fire Flower. “Y-yous dumb broads! You tricked me! That ain’t fair!”

The old Toad known as Monster Mama quickly scrambled out the doorway past Toadette, whispering her thanks along the way. She’d keep the kids safe. Now it was just him and her here in what looked to be the orphans sleeping quarters.

“Sorry!” Toadette grinned, loving the power that came from a situation like this. “Let’s make this nice and easy, okay?”

“Oh nice!” Croco growled, gritting his fangs together so hard that sparks flew out. “Real nice! Pretend to be my friend, eh? Knew I shouldn’ta trusted nobody but good ol’ Popple! Well, well, tell you what, kid!”

“Stop talking!” Toadette commanded, her hand tensing over the stem. “I told you, put your claws up!”

“Sure, sure,” Croco conceded, lowering his sack of presumably stolen goods to the floor. “I just need to find a way to pay ya back, see?”

“Enough!” Toadette growled, eyeing the wall behind him. “Claws up, _now_ , or I shoot!”

A snarl. A flash of fangs and white. His claws were out and lusting for her neck. “Pay ya back in spades, kid!” He spat, saliva dribbling wildly down his snout as he lunged.

He was quick, but Toadette was quicker. She fired her shot. It missed him.

“Ha, dumb broad!” Croco laughed manically, clearly forgetting the bouncy nature of these fireballs.

Before he could reach her, the flaming ball bounced harmlessly against the wall and back at him, engulfing his tail in hot red. The thug toppled down before her, legs a blur as he ran circles, smoke trailing behind like he was trying to send out a smoke signal. If anyone could read it, it’d probably say, ‘Help, my tail is on fire.’

“Yeowch, my tail’s on fire!” Croco translated helpfully, chasing after his own tail like a dog. Still, even now, he thrashed about, sack and all, pushing Toadette into the center of the bed filled room. She waited till he calmed down, finally having caught his flaming tail, sucking on the thing with tears in his eyes.

“Give up yet?” Toadette huffed, clutching her Fire Flower confidently. “Or should I turn up the heat?” Oh, that sounded cool. She wished Goombella heard that.

“Grrr! You’re a filthy cheat!” Croco hissed. “Well, I can cheat too, see?!” In an impossibly quick motion, he reached into his sack and pulled out a tiny bomb, shaped like a bob-omb. Cute. “Bombs! Never leave home without ‘em.” His fangs splayed wide in a terrifying smile. “Try settin’ me on fire again, dumb broad! See what happens! Blow us all to smithereens!”

Toadette flinched, still keeping the Fire Flower’s gaze at the smug crook. “You’re out of your mind!”

“I’m a bettin’ gator!” Croco growled, eyes glowing wildly in the doorway. “And I bet you can’t do it! Sure, you’ll get me, but you’ll be blowin’ up all the kids too! Boo hoo, ain’t that sad!?”

Her mind was a torrent, her hands were shaking. She had nowhere to run here in the middle of the room. She had no time to think. She messed up. Bad.

“That’s right,” Croco said, his voice low. “That’s what I thought, toots. Now, yous is gonna drop that Fire Flower, real slow, see? And when yous do that, I’m gonna cut ya up into mushroom stew! And then I’m gonna-”

_Bonk!_

Huh!? Bonk!?

Croco’s body fell to the ground like a pile of fake crocodile-skin wallets, his tongue lolling out of his snout. Goombella landed next to him with a stylish flourish and a wink, her head only slightly bruised where as his was already growing a massive red bump.

“What a sleazebag!” Goombella huffed, looking over his unconscious head. Coins danced around him instead of dazed Power Stars. “God! I’m so glad I got to slug him after talking to him so long! Yuck! Next time, Toadette, you do the talking, and let me do the action stuff.”

“Oh, Goombella!” Toadette cried, running forward and hugging the blonde girl tight. “You saved me! Thank you so much!”

“W-what’s with you?” Goombella’s voice was muffled in their embrace. “I thought that was your plan! Get him in the doorway so I could sneak up and bonk him, y’know?”

Toadette shook her head, smiling so hard it hurt. She kept squeezing Goombella in her arms like she was a big soft plushie. “Nope! I didn’t mean to do that at all!”

“Ohmigosh, you ditz!” She laughed, now finally accepting the hug more. Toadette’s pink hair fell onto hers making them a big mess of sweat, tangled hair, and maybe some tears. But that’s okay. Goombella wouldn’t tattle that part. It was tough to let go, but Toadette decided it’d probably be good to let Goombella breathe.

Her cuffs made a satisfying _clink!_ as Toadette snapped them over Croco’s limp wrists. Just in case.

“Peach is gonna flip when she sees you nabbed Croco!” Goombella cooed, gathering up his body onto her head, carrying him out of the orphanage with ease.

“When she sees _we_ nabbed, Croco!” Toadette corrected, opening the car door and stuffing him in like a bunch of old socks and sandals into a closet. “I couldn’t have done it without you!”

“Aw, she’ll never believe I did anything.”

“I’ll _make_ her believe it if I have to!”

Goombella looked down at her feet. “You totally don’t have to do that.”

“I don’t, but I want to.” Toadette nodded, her hair feeling weird against her neck. Maybe Goombella’d help her braid it back to normal again after.

She turned to the dumbfounded Ted N. Toad, who looked like a bazooka had gone off right in his face. “Take care of this for us, will ya, Ted?”

“U-uhm! Y-yes ma’am! I’ll, um! Get statements and clean up and let everyone know we’re good here!”

“Thanks.”

When they got back into their car, Goombella grinned towards Toadette. “I totally heard your corny line, by the way. About ‘turning up the heat.’” She giggled. “That was GREAT.”

“Oh my gosh, don’t tease me!” Toadette whined playfully. “It sounded cool in my head!”

“Sure, sure, whatever you say, girl!” Goombella laughed as their car pulled back out into the bustling streets of New Donk City. Just like always, the neon lights greeted her with their alluring twinkling. “But after this, we _so_ gotta go shopping, okay?!”

“Aw, c’mon! I gotta be up early to meet my brother for breakfast! How about tomorrow night?”

“Okay, okay, fine!” Goombella agreed happily.

It wasn’t long before their conversations returned, talking about this and that, and what tomorrow might bring them. Toadette was glad she had such a good partner, glad she had someone to share these lonely drives with. Maybe she’d miss their shopping spree or whatever, but there was always tomorrow. Goombella and this city would always be there waiting for her tomorrow. 


End file.
